Chapter 68. Transformed

ising late in a room that did not belong to him only served to emphasize the nightmarish quality of the prior evening’s events.  The servants had not roused him and so he had continued to drift in and out of sleep until just before noon when the urgent needs of his body forced him to rise.  Geetha stretched against his back and purred loudly as he staggered to his feet and prepared for the day ahead.

His bloodied and soiled clothes had been taken away by the servants at some point and replaced with a simple blouse and leggings over which he draped a gray pea coat.  Having no instructions to do anything or be anywhere, he nevertheless went to Zhou’s study, feeling mentally dull and disoriented.  Once there he resolved to meditate and do a focusing rite or two until some semblance of normality returned.

Walking dolefully toward his destination, he half-hoped he would run into Teleri but she did not materialize before he reached the door and found Zhou draped in a blanket stretched out comfortably on the couch reading.

“Pull up a chair.  We need to talk.”

Pendaran felt relieved, realizing he craved Zhou’s guidance.  He found it comforting now and had been driven here unconsciously seeking it.  He complied, drawing one of the plain wooden chairs away from the table where he had spent hours doing the writing exercises Zhou had required of him.  He sat across from his teacher and waited.

“There is something for you on the table beside me.”

Pendaran followed Zhou’s gesture to a folded square of paper and a fist sized pouch sitting atop it.  He lifted it, knowing immediately it was money.  Frowning, he set it aside and broke the elaborate red wax seal on the letter and held it open to read it.  He then handed it to Zhou, for he could not read the graceful rows of Canthan characters.

“It is an imperial commendation praising you for delivering the head of Kiku Hidetori to the Emperor’s Hand and ensuring her defeat.  It explains that the ten bars of platinum are remuneration for carrying out the will of the Emperor.”

Pendaran said nothing, only lowered his eyes and stared at the pouch with shame burning his face, Zhou continued.

“Most of our kind never perform the midnight rite.  Hatred should not be acted upon lightly, thus it should not surprise you that two are required to perform it.  For all that Kiku did to you, Pendaran, it was natural for you to hesitate and be afraid.  She taught you to feel that way, but now you are free.”

“Why do I feel so numb and sad?”

“Because you are human and the taking of another life should be a bitter thing.  I taught you the rite of cleansing, did I not?”

Pendaran nodded.

“Then I suggest you perform that rite each day and reflect upon what you have become.  I release you for the week.  Teleri’s friends will be returning to us soon.  I want you to decide what you intend to do with yourself.  I suspect you may be tempted to return to Tyria, but I want you to know there is a place for you here in my guild.”

The burden lifted a little from his heart at those words and he smiled at Zhou.  For all that he adored Teleri, the thought of returning to his homeland had been troubling him.  His stay at Crystal Palm had been the first time in years that he had felt at peace.

“Thank you, Master.”

“You are welcome, Master Pendaran.  Enjoy your rest for you have earned it.”

He rose then, offering a bow to Zhou before departing with his reward money.  There was a lightness to his step now and he felt like singing.  Forget the cleansing, he could do that before supper, right now he wanted to rejoice in the sounds of a harp and Teleri’s laughter.  It was a short walk to the music room and he found it blissfully empty and bathed in sunlight.  He caressed the instrument fondly, drawing sweet tones from its fine strings.   He hoped its music would draw Teleri to him, wherever she might be.

“Pen?”

The glissando faded and he lowered his hands to gaze up at Teleri standing in the doorway.  She was clad in a simple aquamarine gown that brought out her creamy complexion and pale eyes.   Beautiful as ever.  But she was grim as she strode toward him and pulled up a chair.

“Greetings, my love.”

“My brother is soon to return and I felt it important that we talk about our future.”

“Your brother?” Pendaran asked, confused.  She had said nothing about her brother being in Cantha.

“Morisedd.”

“Oh.  He is your brother.  I didn’t realize.”

“You seem disappointed,” Teleri observed, her brows turning downward, “Is there anything you think I should know, Pen?”

He lowered his eyes awkwardly.  It was not that he was trying to hide anything, he just did not think she needed to know his sordid past.  But with this revelation, he realized he could not avoid it.  Morisedd had made no attempt to hide his disgust and hatred toward Pendaran. 

“Your brother and I do not get along.”

“Murdi can be a bit gruff…”

“No, he has good reason.”

Teleri stared at him, her pale eyes glistening with barely contained emotion.  Pendaran swallowed, knowing he had to explain but not wanting to.  He wanted to lie, to gloss over what he had done, but what was the point?  Morisedd would be home soon and she would know soon enough.

“I was a despicable man when he met me, Teleri.  I seduced Uriel, knowing he loved her. I knew that our cries of pleasure tormented him and it amused me to see another man broken by my actions.”

His face burned as she slapped him.  Twice.  Three times.  Her voice pierced the fine acoustics of the room as she shrieked in fury.

“Animal!” she screamed, “How could you lie with that whore, Uriel?  And you did that to my brother?  What kind of hideous monster are you?”

It was as if she had thrust a dagger in his heart.  Tears coursed down his burning cheeks and there was nothing he could do or say to take back the hurt he had caused.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, “I know it was wrong and I would never do it again.”

“But you did it!” she cried, “How many other women have you seduced with your pretty face?”

“I… I don’t honestly know, Teleri.  I wasn’t myself after the Searing…”

“Then who were you?” she cried, “What are you now?”

“I’m just a man who did some things I now regret.  I can’t change what I’ve done.”

“So if something bad happens to you tomorrow, you’ll have your trousers off again?  Stupid dog!  Dirty miserable animal.”

“Please, Teleri,” he choked, his heart breaking beneath her withering stare and raw pain, “I never wanted to harm you.  I’m sorry.  I wish I could change what I did.”

“Just… crawl back into your hole and die for all I care.  I hate you,” she cried, her voice dripping with venom.

Pendaran could no longer hold back his grief.  He wished he had died with Luitha.  To be snatched back from death and despair and now tossed away like he was rubbish by the woman he loved was pain beyond measure.  A ragged howl of grief tore from his throat as he rocked forward, his face pressed against the shoulder of the harp. 

Just let me die.  I can’t go on like this.

He tried to rise to his feet but the strength had left his body.  He had to leave the compound, get on a boat, go somewhere.  Anywhere.  Somewhere far away where Zhou could not find him and make a pathetic attempt to save him again.  No more rituals.  No more love.  He was done.

And the image of Lyssa cold and dark behind the domination mask flashed before his vision and he realized that was the path he should have taken.  Anger, not sadness, was strength and no one would ever harm him again. 

“Pen, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Teleri said through her tears.  He shuddered as her hand touched his face this time, not to strike him, but to offer a gentle caress and dry away the grief that stained his visage.

“I’m going away,” he whispered.

“No, my love, I don’t care any more about what you did.  I see that you are not that man any more.  I love this man, this sweet gentle man who speaks the truth.”

“I want to leave.”

She pushed the harp away and sat beside him on the bench.  He cursed himself for his weakness as she delicately took him into her arms and held him.

“If you leave, I’ll come chasing right after you,” she whispered into his ear, “I’m a ranger, my love,  I’ll find you wherever you go.”

He smiled in spite of himself for though it was an impossible proposition, she meant it and he did not doubt for a moment that he would find himself years from now in a far off land gazing over his shoulder to discover Teleri on his trail.  The thought was strangely comforting.

“You would, wouldn’t you?  I guess there is no point in running away then,” he said.

“No point at all,” she replied, giggling, and then, to his shock, she kissed him on the mouth, seeking him until he rose from his stupor and answered her call.

Sweet Lyssa, he was truly blessed.

But for all that he longed to make love to her, he was still Zhou’s student.  Breathless, he withdrew, drowsy and giddy as if he had been drinking.  Teleri, flushed with passion, smiled at him, her finger trailing along his lips as she sought to win them back.

“I know, Master Zhou told you to keep your trousers on,” she taunted.  His body was electrified by her touch and it drove him mad with lust.  He wanted her.  Badly.

“Yes, he did.”

“A shame,” she murmured, running her hand along his thigh and laughing as he gasped miserably in a losing battle with his body.  Trembling, he rose, placing distance between them for the sake of his sanity.  He was going to make her pay for this one day.

“I love you, Teleri Dunvael,” he said, “More than life, more than music.  You are my guiding star, and my morning sun.  And you are the biggest tease this side of Cantha.”

She laughed so hard she snorted which relieved the tensions considerably and enabled him to laugh in turn.  A crazy woman.  Just what he deserved.

“I will see you at four bells for supper,” he said, trying to regain some semblance of decorum.  Pouting, Teleri nodded and sighed, leaning back on the bench as he departed to perform his rite.